A reflection

I feel like I need to update this blog since my last post was more than 4 years ago. I should’ve kept this journal up to date, but life has been busy to say the least. And the time spent on getting my thoughts in order and putting them into sentences seemed almost selfish that I placed it way at the bottom of my priority list.

A lot happened since September 2018. In short, my time in Bahrain was great. I wouldn’t say wonderful, but I’m proud of myself and my family for persevering through the changes and being able to come out the other end a better family. Not perfect, just better than it was. I learned a couple things while living there.

The importance of community is a big one. When you don’t have family to fall back on, you kind of have to huddle together to get through it. Before moving there, I didn’t entirely understand the importance of being present within the military spouse community, but now I do. In February 2019, I caught double pneumonia and had to be hospitalized for 4 or 5 days, I can’t remember how long exactly. But I do remember feeling scared and the idea of dying in a foreign country creeping into my mind. I remember feeling oddly relieved to be able to rest and have somebody else take care of me for a change, even if it was in the ER of a local hospital with a questionable reputation at the time. I cried tears of relief laying on the table with the crinkly paper. However, I do also remember my friend Tina and her husband coming in to visit me multiple times, just sitting with me in the room or delivering me some oranges that I craved. I also grieved the fact that even in the hospital, my husband couldn’t stop his job to take care of me. But in my absence at home, he was forced to take over and thankfully came to realize that my days were just as hard–only in different ways.

The other lesson I learned is knowing how to be a good leader in my home. And much of that came from clinging onto God with my life. There were many times where I’d be driving around the kingdom and all of a sudden I’d have this out of body/existential thought like, “What am I DOING here?” I know I’m bravely driving around this country I barely know and keeping up a sense of normalcy here, but I’m also feeling like a lost sheep. Powerless… passive… reactive. But starting in those days, I prayed and I clung. Hard. I clung to Jesus. I clung to God. I asked for courage, strength, all of that. I let go of the unrealistic expectation that my husband could provide me the emotional support that I needed. I learned instead that our spouses come back from work with empty emotional baskets that they’re wanting us to fill too. So no human could give me what I needed in order for me to be who I wanted to be for me and my family. And that’s when my relationship with God/Jesus began. Paradoxically, you would think that praying about a dysfunctional family would lead God to change the other person, but God changed me first. I began to see my own inner brokenness, that I wasn’t “mom”ing quite as well as I thought I was, and that it was up to ME and not my husband to start turning things around. And things turned around. Not completely, but enough to change the trajectory.

Life in Bahrain changed me. I never wanted to go, but I did. And now I wouldn’t trade those experiences and the things that came of them for anything less. I was where I was supposed to be at the exact time and at the exact phase of my life. The pottery, the turquoise waters, the scent of perfumes, the delicious Arabic cuisine, the wooden fishing boats, the Islamic call to prayer, the beautiful rugs, the smell of the dust. All of that.

Living in the Middle East

Here we go again
I started this blog in 2008 to chronicle my experiences traveling around the nation. Ten years later, here I am again, writing to you about my new life here in Bahrain. Where exactly in the Middle East is Bahrain, you ask? Well, it is this teeny tiny island in the Arabian Gulf between Saudi Arabia and Iran. I found out I was coming here a year and a half ago when my husband broke the news to me with “I’m sorry…” I get the saddest when I have to move away from San Diego, my home.  It took me the entire 18 months to mentally come to grips with having to move away from family and friends to a completely new land all the way across the world. I’m not really an adventurist, but I’ve been blessed to be married to one. He is the one who forces me out of my comfort zone kicking and screaming. But it’s funny what time can do to your perspective on things. I had time to face each and every fear. Time to imagine what could happen if those fears were to come true. Time to tell myself that what I’m imagining seems far worse than how things really are. Time to breathe. Time to prepare. Time to resign in advance and accept whatever may come. I’m grateful for those 18 months. I know I grieved as much as I savored the last few weeks with my favorite people because when we left, I felt ready. I didn’t cry at all… and I wondered if this was strength or my body switching into survival mode.

Culture shock is a real thing. I remember we took a drive to Taylor’s new school one hot and dusty afternoon. I wanted to memorize the route so I could have her start school in a few days. We drove out of our hotel and entered Adliya, which is supposed to be the “happening” part of Bahrain with amazing foods and vendors, and being a mere mile away, we believed it would be a quick and easy trip.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Not for these newbies.

First of all, the smaller roads (more like alleyways) have no names–they’re all numbers. And I’m not talking 3rd Street or 6th Avenue… I’m talking: Road 2745 or Road 3508. I thought how is anybody supposed to remember any of these obscure road numbers? And then I fantasized about being the one to name them all as we continued weaving our way through the jungle of cracked concrete buildings, sand, staring eyeballs, honking, parallel parked cars that aren’t parallel, bicyclists popping up out of nowhere, and stray cats and dogs just roaming around. And somewhere in the midst of all this stood her preschool. I couldn’t see anything inside–it was walled off completely. I knew this was one of the best preschools in Bahrain (and I still think so), and I tried not to let the changes in environment bother me. But at the time, it did and I was scared. On our way out, we got lost and drove aimlessly around tight alleyways. As we emerged out of a one-way road from the wrong end, we saw before us a man who kept walking towards us and making finger gestures we couldn’t understand. We just drove away and hoped he wouldn’t follow us.

We finally parked our car in a lot beside a construction zone. I could tell he was in shock. He just stared out the window and was silent. I looked where he was seemingly gazing, and there were some men working on a building a few feet in front of us. No hard hats, no fences. One side of the structure was completely opened up and someone was pulling up a bucket of something up to the third floor using a rope. After a minute, he threw the empty bucket back down without a warning and just missed clonking his coworker’s head by a couple of inches. The worker ducked his head after the fact, laughed a little at his luck, and went on talking to his friend like nothing happened. (Frowny nod.)

It was very quiet in our car, but I could almost hear our minds going apeshit inside our skulls. Thus enters culture shock.

As the days and weeks go by, I am learning how to adapt and live like the Bahrainis. I learned later on from a friend that the man making finger gestures in the alleyway thought we wanted our car washed. (It’s very common here to get your car washed by people standing by the road.) I’m not as scared of the stray cats and dogs anymore and I’m feeling more confident driving around alone, but getting used to the idea that now I am “the outsider” might take a bit longer. And I could be wrong, but I get this weird feeling that when I’m out with my white friends, the locals think I’m their hired maid. More on this later. I’m still investigating.

Most, if not all, of my fears have died down since moving here. It’s been 2.5 weeks. We’re still living in a hotel and will be for the next 15 days, but every day we find happiness in the little things. I have been collecting them to share with you soon.

Oliver Jeffers: Picture Book Maker

Time-out

Something interesting happened today.

Taylor and I spend a lot of time with my sister and her family. She has two kids: an older son and a younger daughter. The younger one, Maddy, is about Taylor’s age, but the two don’t exactly get along. Well, today after dinner, my sister and I heard a banging sound and a loud cry from Maddy. We rushed over and realized Taylor had hit Maddy’s head pretty hard with a large toy in her hand. She just stood beside Maddy looking round eyed and innocent. I asked her if she hit Maddy using the bug catcher toy and she promptly replied “Yes.” Oh, the pure honesty. And I can’t help but savor her innocence even in this moment because this is something that only the younger children do.

I promptly pick her up and send her to a time-out corner. My sister’s bedroom was dark, but I placed her in one corner while I sat behind her bed, just listening. For the first two minutes, she went from being quiet to counting to 20 and then to being quiet again. During her last minute, I heard her talking to herself. She said this:

“What did I do? I hit Maddy… What did I do? I hit Maddy… And she cried. And then Ee-mo (my sister) looked at me. Then my mommy took away my things. Then I sit in time out…” 

Sitting in the dark and listening to Taylor talking to herself, I was half scared of hearing her say something like, “I hate mommy.” I was so surprised at her level of comprehension and how much she’s already capable of understanding. Being in that room tonight and sort of hearing “her” side of what happened was like stepping into her shoes for a second. I tried to imagine large adults looking down at me after doing something wrong, getting things taken from me, and having to sit in a dark corner to think about what happened. After her third minute, I told her to come out. “I heard you talking, Tay-Tay. I heard you talking.” That’s all I could say. And I hugged her and told her I love her.

I’m just amazed. I’ve watched her grow since she was this tiny little thing kicking inside my stomach. And now this little baby is slowly becoming her own person before my eyes. She is sensitive, but that also means she is caring. She feels emotions very strongly, but she is also extremely forgiving. On our drive back home, we talked:

“I heard you talking while you were in time-out, Tay-Tay. And… well, I love you, Tay-Tay.”
“Mommy… I’m sorry to be mad at you today.”
“It’s okay. We all have those days.” 

Autumn Leaves, Pumpkins, and Boots

Finally. Autumn is finally here! Around this time last year, I was enjoying consistent 80 degree weather in Honolulu, but it makes me extra giddy to be spending my favorite time of year back home. Now that Tay Tay’s turned two, things (do I dare say) have gotten somewhat easier in that we are able to solve some of her tantrums just talking things through. However, I know this stretch of calm will naturally fleet away soon as we move on to the next hurdle, whatever that might be. But if there’s anything that I’ve learned within the past couple of years, it’s making myself leave tomorrow’s worry for tomorrow, recognize each day’s blessings, and put forth a positive presence for the people around me. Sounds nice, but I still struggle with this a lot… but that’s at least the goal.

Let’s talk about Fall. I love this time of year. Have I mentioned that already? I love this feeling of relief from all those scorching hot days the past 3 months or so. And almost suddenly, the winds shifted and I woke up at 4 AM hearing my windows gently rattling as the hollering wind outside pressed against it. And beyond my walls, autumn leaves blew up and around the air and spun circles out on the pavement. I’m glad it’s only September. I’m going to close my eyes and savor every last drop of this magic until this year is over.

Part of this magic we feel during this time of year is largely thanks to our childhood. What did we hear, smell, taste, see, and feel during those days when there was this sense of anticipation that carried us through the end of the year? I know for myself and my two siblings, It’s Halloween by Jack Prelutsky pretty much epitomizes Halloween for us. One day when I was about 10 or 11 years old, I found this gem sitting in a clearance bin inside a discount store. This book came with an audio cassette, which I think was about as great as the book itself. And from that day on, this book and audio became part of our happy memories for this time of year. Now I read it to my daughter and she’s already made me read it over 100 times. And sadly, I am not kidding about that. Sorry to say, I no longer have that cassette tape… or my cassette player, but I did find a garbled Youtube video with the exact same content.

I am embarrassed, but not ashamed to say that watching You’ve Got Mail is one of my guilty pleasures. They’re very corny and sentimental, but the way it makes me feel about Fall and the following holidays is so in tune. Fall leaves, pumpkins, “bouquet of sharpened pencils,” twinkle lights, fall festivals, and books… all of these things point me back to my primary years when I used to decorate the house and performed skits for my mom after school with the willing help of my little brother. Ah, fond memories to treasure forever. So yes, I can always count on this movie and the soundtrack to get me excited about Fall. Now that it’s officially October, it’s time to start carving pumpkins, wearing boots, and dreaming about a new season.

 

Full Term Today!

Hi, friends! The baby and I have finally reached 37 weeks today, which means Taylor is now full term! Yep, OB said it’s pretty much any day now because she’s been sitting low in my stomach for about 3 weeks already. Perhaps all the walking around I’ve been doing did the trick. It’s hard to describe how I’m feeling right now. It’s a mix of a several things. I feel excited to finally see the baby and hold her and kiss her. I also feel a little scared about the entire labor process, but at the same time I’m like, “Let’s DO this!” Of course I feel very thankful to have had such a smooth pregnancy without any complications.

Sometimes I did feel a little silly being such a worrywart about everything during the past 8.5 months, but all in all, I think this whole process has taught me a lot of things. The biggest lesson was learning to trust my own body and its amazing ability to do things that even I didn’t know it could do. Like protecting a baby inside you under layers of muscle and amniotic fluid, biologically engineered to do specifically that. You really just sit back and let your body do all the work. It’s pretty freaking amazing. And let’s not forget the incredible stretchiness of the skin! Thankfully, with the use of Mama Bee Belly Butter, I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid stretch marks up to this point. I hope I didn’t just jinx myself right there, but oh well. Though I haven’t escaped from a few other pregnancy side effects, but overall, I feel pretty lucky.

Another lesson I’ve learned is knowing where to find support. Support comes in many ways: physical, emotional, logistical, etc. I learned where to find different types of support in my network of family and friends. Most of my emotional support comes from my parents, my sister, and a few close friends. They just have that special ability to make me see the brighter side and move forward with a positive attitude. My husband, on the other hand, helps me the most in logistical ways: coordinating hospital transfers, dealing with medical insurance, finding a new home for us in Honolulu, scheduling the movers, installing the baby’s car seat, and so on. The list really goes on and on. And even though I am an emotionally disgruntled pregnant lady drowning in hormones all the time, he’s been that smiling/laughing rock pulling me through… most of the time. I don’t want to make him seem like an angel because he’s not. But then again…

It’s the final stretch now. Let’s DO this!

Aloha, Future Home

I’m very happy to announce that today, my husband and I finally found a place to live in Honolulu! It’s been a grueling search with tons of competition, but thankfully we’re now at the final step in securing a place for our family in October. Thank God. At the very onset of our search, I had this image of us living in this cozy little house with a lanai and a yard. I would sit outside with Taylor or do some yoga on the lanai. Mind you, this idea started back when I was still in my 1st trimester, so obviously I wasn’t being realistic about how busy I would be. Maybe I was being naive. I mean, a lanai would be nice, but I somehow doubt I’ll be using it as often as I imagined. Plus, there are those bugs. I’m such a wimp when it comes to bugs. I’ll give you an example that literally just happened 2 minutes ago.

I was trying to find an exact picture of the bee I mentioned, but I got lazy. Here’s one that looks nothing like the one I saw, but is sort of fat and cute.

I was sitting on the patio chair typing away in the backyard when I saw a big, round bumblebee hovering over our basil plants. And I’m not talking about the bees you see in California. I’m talking about the ones with the GIANT butts here in the Northeast. Immediately, my brain told my body, “Alert! Alert! Bumble Bee! It could sting you! You’ve never been stung before! You don’t even know if you’re allergic to bee stings! You could die! … OMG, the baby! Find shelter!” So I ran inside the house. I’m sure if anyone was watching me (most likely my neighbors who spy on me), I would’ve looked pretty silly. Whatever. At least I’m alive!

How did I get to this subject? Oh yes, the lanai. Well, the place that we are moving into does NOT have a lanai. I’m perfectly fine with this, especially because we’ll be very, very high up. I think we’re on the 20th floor. So even if I DID have a balcony, there’s no way in hell i’m going out onto it. So, additional pros about this place are: built in black out curtains (very helpful!), gym, pool, a mile from Waikiki Beach (the start of the beach, where I’m hoping there aren’t many tourists), and church in close proximity. I’m really glad and relieved. It’s a huge load off my husband, and I give him a lot of credit for making things happen for us.

I’m Nesting! Kind of…

Aren’t these nest cupcakes cute? The birds look so stupid and delicious.

Last Sunday, my husband and I attended a birthing class at our hospital (MGH). It was a whole day affair, but it was pretty exciting learning and preparing for D-day. I’m currently 32 weeks, so I have about 2 more months left. Holy cow! My sister gave birth to my nephew at 34 weeks, so when I think about that, I’m like, “Daaah! I don’t even have a crib or a stroller/car seat or even a diaper bag!” The “nesting” phase never really kicked in for me. Rather, this birthing class kicked ME into gear to start a checklist on getting all the newborn essentials. The hard part about all of this is that things need to stay travel friendly. Unfortunately, I will be traveling cross country once Taylor is 4 weeks old. Then, after another 3-4 weeks, we’ll be flying again to Hawaii. Poor girl… and poor me. Poor both of us! Anyway, enough self pitying. I know what you’re thinking, “Oh, Hawaii, I feel so sorry for you! Eat my toe, you giant turd!” I know, I know. And gross, you guys. Turd?

Graco Aire3 Travel System. We haven’t bought this yet, but it’s what we’ve decided on so far.

Let’s talk about strollers for a second here. Now, we visited Babies ‘R Us pretty recently to check out car seats and strollers. And alls I gotta say is that they are expensive. One car seat we were interested in was like 400 bucks! And that was JUST the car seat. And then if you wanted to buy a stroller, that would be another, like, 400 bucks. Nah uh… We definitely need something more multifunctional and compact. Enter… the Graco Aire3 Travel System. Yeah, I think this one is probably the best fit for us. Selling points included the fact that the seat doubles as a car seat and a stroller seat. It’s also not very heavy, which makes it easier for traveling. It has a peek-a-boo window so I can spy on Taylor, two bottle holders for me, a big compartment at the bottom to store things, and a nice canopy to shield the baby on those sunny (or even wet) days. I was thinking about getting a jogger’s stroller, but then, those huge wheels might actually make traveling a pain, and I need all the help I can get. My buying criteria in order of importance are: safety, comfort, travel friendly, style, price, and cool bells and whistles getting last place on my list. I’ll buy her more toys once we get to Hawaii later this year. All in all, I figure if I’m smart about buying things like this, little by little, my transient life will get easier somehow. Hopefully? Please…?

This is the Fjallraven (fee-yal-RAH-ven) Kanken 13″ laptop backpack.

Okay, next on my list is a diaper bag. There are a lot of nice diaper bags for sale on Amazon, but the really cute ones that I would considering buying were like $140. I say hell no to that. So what do I do? I buy this Fjallraven Kanken backpack for $100. Not much better price-wise, Carol. But I figure since it’s a backpack, I’ll be more comfortable carrying it around, versus a tote that you wear on one shoulder. My back already hurts from carrying my purse around, so imagine carrying a bunch of baby crap and having it hang heavy on one side of you. Not fun. I found out about this from an article online. I suggest you take a look–it has pictures of her Kanken Mini backpack and all the baby things she put in it. The good thing about these bags is that it’s specially designed to prevent back pains. It was originally made by someone in Scandinavia for little school children so their backs don’t hurt. They’re good for hiking and other outdoor activities. See how I favor multifunctional things? These bags may look small, but it carries A LOT. It’s simplistic, but it does the job well. So that’s why I bought them. And the fact that they’re made to last many, many years with lifetime guarantee is a huge plus. There are soooo many colors to choose from.

So this is the extent I’ve reached as far as nesting is concerned. Next on my list: crib/bassinet, baby carrier, and boobie pump. TMI? Sorry.

 

I Feel Bad About My Neck

“Every so often I read a book about age, and whoever’s writing it says it’s great to be old. It’s great to be wise and sage and mellow; it’s great to be at a point where you understand just what matters in life. I can’t stand people like this. What can they be thinking? Don’t they have necks?” –From I Feel Bad About My Neck

The only thing I really knew about Nora Ephron was that she directed some of my all-time favorite movies like You’ve Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle, and Julie and Julia. But until recently, I’d never actually read any of her books. Last week, I strolled into the library without anything particular in mind. I skimmed through the biography section and found a couple of her titles: I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman and I Remember Nothing: And Other Reflections. So I brought them home with me. I just finished the first one. It was a very fast read, just a 137 pages with pretty big print size. Most of it was very funny, and I chuckled out loud several times which made my husband curious. The last couple of chapters, though, drew me in a little. I’m going to make a short list of things I want to remember from these last few pages.

1. On Rapture – That’s the chapter title. It comes from what’s called “rapture of the deep” which is what happens when a deep sea diver spends too much time at the bottom of the ocean and can’t figure out which way is up. That’s what happens when you read a book that pretty much transports you to another world. And when you’re done, you’re faced with having to switch back to reality. And apparently it’s not easy and you may metaphorically end up with the “bends” adjusting to the atmosphere again. I prefer this saying way over what other people call “book hangover”. Rapture of the deep sounds dangerous and more mysterious. Anyway, I so admire how she really loved to read. I can only remember a handful of books that I’ve read that made me feel like I fell in love with the plot, the characters… and feeling blown away from what the writer just did to my brain. Mind explosion. Maybe I’ve been reading the wrong books, but in this chapter, she gave me a list of titles to explore (see below). Don’t you just love finding book recommendations within a book? I do.

2. Considering the Alternative – This is the last chapter of the book and I must say it made me feel kind of sad reading it. It’s about how she feels about herself getting older, reaching 60+. She says “nothing else about [her] is better than it was at fifty, or forty, or thirty, but [she] … considers the alternative.” She starts talking about death. She notices her friends are beginning to die of illnesses, and yet the world does not want to speak or think of what’s inevitably in front of them. Then she considers her own “exit”. At this point in the book, she says she hasn’t even figured out if she wanted to be buried or cremated “largely because [she’s] worried that cremation in some way lowers your chances of being reincarnated.” But rather, she’s going to live life instead. Be happy. Buy more bath oil to relax in the tub. Because life will go on. So Consider the alternative.

I’m a little sad that I didn’t take the time to learn more about her while she was still alive. It’s been a little over two years since she passed away, but the books she wrote and the movies she helped create are keeping her alive somehow. I think I’m going to go watch Julie and Julia again, right now.

Recommended Books:

• The Golden Notebook by Doris Lessing
• The Nun’s Story by Kathryn Hulme
• Smiley’s People by John le Carré
• The Woman In White by Wilkie Collins
• The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon

My First Handmade Blanket for Taylor

Peek-a-boo (photocred to my husband)

It’s a wonder what one can accomplish with some patience and practice… in this case, lots of practice. Today, which I’m proud to announce, is the day I finished making my very first knitted blanket! I had an idea of what I wanted it to look like, but wasn’t actually expecting it to materialize like this. Please excuse my boasting. All I can think about is last Christmas when my MIL taught me the basics to knitting. I started knitting a scarf and got very far. Only thing was I didn’t know what binding was or how to do it. By this time, I was back in DC and like a genius… I just slid the needle off the yarn hoping everything will stay in place. Nope! I spent the next four minutes unraveling the whole thing and throwing the sticks across the room.

First blanket

Later on in May, I visited my parents in LA, and my mom gave me a few additional pointers. Now look at me. A blanket veteran! (With slight delusions of grandeur.) Taylor’s blanket comes complete with a nice silk backing, a white border, and three little flowers I learned to knit through my computer screen. And all this just took me about 35 days to finish! I didn’t mind going at snail’s pace. I actually enjoyed the process. But I probably won’t be knitting anything for a really, really long time. But hurray for finishing something for once!